Seven weeks into "spring," and people were still wearing winter clothes. Our usual bullshit weather was more bullshit than usual this year, but that's okay. Summer arrived as we knew it would, and women who had no business wearing shorts and tank tops and sundresses dug through the back corners of their closets, step one towards finding out if any of their summer clothes still fit. Your Bloggers are ready for them, committed as we are to bringing You Our Readers only the finest and most diverse selection of size 16-plus babes America's 1,109th best small city has to offer. But why wait? Check out this example of the sweet, gentle, kind-natured females you'll meet when you visit us:
(Disclaimer: the previous sentence was SARCASM; this dolly bird looks like she'd, if given the chance, eat you for breakfast and spit out the bones. Which shouldn't surprise anyone. FAT chicks don't have any self-respect -- if they did, they'd lose some weight -- and, if they don't respect themselves, why should they respect you or anyone else they meet?)
Bookmark this post and come back often, to see who else we've added. Maybe you'll see yourself in our gallery of fatness. If you do, and you'd like us to remove you, send us a picture of yourself 200 pounds lighter and we'll be glad to delete your FAT image. That'll mean you're no longer FAT, and that means the other 40,000 people in Port Huron will have more food to eat come dinnertime.
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When we say "fat," we don't mean "large-framed, "plus-sized," or "queen-sized." Ashley Graham is all of those, and she's hot. We mean FAT, as in grossly overweight, so morbidly obese that it's life threatening. Like --
This one comes with a BIAS (Brat In A Stroller) --
Follow me and I'll lead you to food --
I didn't know they made thin girl clothes in sizes grossly overweight FAT chicks can wear --
Bookending the fat dude in the middle are two of the finalists in last year's Port Huron Jobba the Hut lookalike contest --
Here you see two FAT chicks headed to -- guess where? -- Golden Corral. (When lost in the woods, follow a running stream and it will lead you to civilization. In town, follow a FAT chick and she will lead you to food.) We hope that, after they're finally done feeding, the buffet doesn't have to call out for more food. (BTW dearie: if you didn't WEIGH 600 pounds, you wouldn't need that scooter and life would be much more rewarding) --
A sighting of grossia americanus in her favorite habitat: the frozen food section of the supermarket --
A sighting of grossia americanus in her other favorite habitat: the food court at the mall --
Oh, my God --
OH MY GAWD --
They do like pink, don't they?
ONLY 20 items?
More (and we place emphasis on the word "more") to come.
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Call the fashion police, NOW !!! --
Standing in the shadows of love --
Say, I know what (the lady thinks) . . . when I come into a room the mice jump up on chairs, but I think I'm totally hot and slinky, so I'll wear something than makes thin girls look sexy but on me calls attention to the fact that I'm embarrassingly FAT . . . and while I'm at it, I'll wash my hair in something that smells like the inside of a Moroccan whorehouse, that makes anyone who smells the vapor trail I leave behind light-headed, and go out in public thinking I'm . . . EXOTIC . . . (for the uninitiated, this is exactly how the female mind operates).
And just think: Saudi Arabia is letting them drive cars now.
We need a break, and maybe you do too, after looking at all this grossness. So here's some refreshing, pleasant music that we hope will leave you eager to see more images of the best big babes our home town can offer:
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I think we've seen this one before, but all FAT girls start to look alike to us and you can never be sure, so . . .
Ready for more? We heard you say YES --
This one and her friend (below) established a new Port Huron record for most combined poundage by two grossly overweight FAT chicks traveling together --
Yes, we ARE tough on FAT chicks. We don't like them, for many reasons. There are others, lots of them, but for now we'll focus on the top two:
#1: On public transit, they take up enough space to seat three normal-sized people. The bus has to wait until they can load themselves and find a seat they can fit into. It's usually the one closest to the driver, where they sit and force normal-sized people to squeeze between them (a move whose difficulty factor increases with each filled shopping bag you carry, but we digress). Their lack of mobility sometimes forces them into scooters, which have to be secured to the floor and take up enough space to seat four normal-sized people. All of this loading and securing and squirming makes the bus LATE, and one LATE bus means the others have to wait for it, and pretty soon the whole system is LATE. Is that fair, to make an entire town's worth of riders LATE because some land whale can't just get on and sit down?
One day at the Walmart bus stop, we came upon a massive glob of fat who'd forgotten to charge the batteries on her scooter. It barely moved on the flat sidewalk. Two men the size of football players, who offered to rescue Madame, struggled to get her up the ramp and onto the bus. Fortunately for them, they didn't pull something or hurt themselves in the process. Why should the rest of the world have to put itself at risk so some FAT chick can get home from the grocery store? (We wish we had video of this, but recording it would be too over the top even for us.)
#2: the health factor. We aren't doctors but it's obvious to us, and the rest of the world that isn't doctors, that the heart of a grossly overweight FAT chick has to work harder to pump blood though her grossly overweight FAT body. The useful life of anything that's overworked is shortened, and medical facilities are jam-packed with FAT chicks with bad hearts, and clogged arteries from eating so much of the stuff that makes them FAT, who wouldn't be there if they weren't FAT, who, in an already over-burdened health care system, are burning resources that normal-sized people need.
More on this later (the Gallery Of Port Huron FAT Chicks being a perpetual work in progress).
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The last tail fins we saw that looked like these were on a 59 Chrysler --
Ain't THIS the truth:
We got three days in Facebook jail for posting what should be obvious to everyone:
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Fall is here, and the cold, damp weather means the summer clothes go back in the closet, and the coats and hoodies come out. For the next six -- probably more like eight -- months, we won't see any big babes out in public wearing the tank tops and short dresses common sense says they should burn. But we can't leave You The Reader without posting one last image:
Getting cellphone pics of FAT girls has proved to be way easier than we thought. It's like kicking a baby across the room. Not fun anymore. We really do need a break. See you in the spring, and watch out for those transfats. They're not good for you.
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